Stupid Post

(Original draft written last Wednesday, February 5. Just deleted a few bits here and there before posting. Fuck, this post sucks.)

I wanted to write about my vision. 

That is, about the Lasik surgery I had last January 28. I wanted to write about the whole experience I had of the procedure - such as my fears, the actual sensations, and the overnight recovery. From a grade of -6.75 in the left eye and -8.00 in the right eye, plus really bad astigmatism, I am now able to see the whole fucking world in 20/20.

I can see individual blades of grass now. And those leaves! High definition, baby.

I was happy and really excited to put it into writing.

But as I mulled over ideas and various points to put in, I realized I was drifting farther and farther away from my initial intention.

Everyday, I would string together words in my mind, and imagery. But as days pass, the initial bright and sunny glow became dimmer and dimmer. Sure, I love my new eyes. I loved that I won't get hit by cars, people, walls, or furniture now whenever I decide to move around. But a great dread also grew inside me as I became more acquainted with clear vision. And it affected the ideas I had for writing.

I'm afraid of contact with people, and situations that involves contact with other people*. It's hard to describe or explain to others who haven't personally experienced the feeling before, and difficulty to do so also adds to the burden. Since others (including some people we love) won't and don't understand, it becomes something they'll be quick to brush off - I know they don't mean it, but it still hurts and it really makes them look like an ass.

Anyway, like I said, I'm afraid. And now that my vision is perfect, I have come to realize that I have lost an important shield against the terrors of interacting with people.

Of course, it had to be a cat picture.

See that picture I put up there? It sounds really stupid and pathetic, but that's what I've been using to condition my mind every time I have to go out and be in places I don't really want to be in - i.e., in the ground floor of the Governor's Office, for time-ins and time-outs. 

I intentionally stare at the floor or un-focus my eyes while I walk the painful distance between the fingerprint scanner and the logbook across the room. Nobody minds me because they just attribute my weird habits to poor eyesight. They don't know the truth that I'm walking cross-eyed because I'm actually trying to become invisible.

With the clarity of my vision now known to everyone, I can't rely on such low, cowardly tactics anymore. Though it's for the better (yes, even I know that), I can't help but feel trapped. 

The loss of this exit means I have to meet people's gazes and wrestle the monster whose three heads have the names: "Should I greet them?", "Should I make small talk?", and "Do I smile?". The thought made me visibly clench while closing our gate behind me this Monday. I have no choice to man the fuck up, as it's too late to extend my sick leave now that I'm fully dressed and out the door.

So, I just went with it. Numbed myself, and remembered that...holy fuck, IT'S A MONDAY. And may flag ceremony nga pala every Monday. Which means, the only people at the office are the guards. Everyone else were at the park.

I was safe from any encounter that I feared to have that morning.

There was relief, cool and enveloping. Followed by embarrassment. Then finally, self-loathing.

I already know how stupid my fears were, but to have been anxious to the point of forgetting it was a Monday - the only day I could relax coming into the office - made me feel sillier. I want to change. Damn, I really need to change. Fuck I'm so disappointed in myself I'm not even gonna finish this shit.

I'm going to sleep. Fuck.

I'm pretty sure people would find this post funny, but it really wasn't for me. 

*I'll tackle that some other time.

Why I Don't Believe in Courtship

I vaguely remember reading something somewhere in the internet that implies “romantic love” as a conspiracy designed to manipulate women. I guess I believe it. But I should throw in my opinion that it targets more than just women, but society as a whole. Basically, to encourage people to buy, buy, buy.

Get her flowers, get her chocolates, wine and dine her, buy her that ring…

Get yourself some sexy lingerie, buy him a new watch, insist on going on that expensive vacation in some exotic sounding location…

I could go on and on.

It’s all about consumerism in the end. But I’ll stop myself before this turns into a semi-leftist tirade and instead focus on why I don’t fucking believe in courtship.

I chose to talk about courtship, Filipino-type courtship to be specific, because it’s the most romance-laden part of a girl-boy, man-woman relationship – even if we include weddings and honeymoons. I mean, c’mon. During the courtship phase, the magic to seal the deal either happens or not, and so both parties go all out to make this stage cheesier and more sparkly than a movie rendition of a Nicholas Sparks novel that copulated with the Twilight Trilogy.

In vying for the lady’s affections, dudes try to outwit, outlast, and out-woo each other. The bastards get all sorts of creative, especially when they know they have competition. And the hot piece of ass transcends mortality to become both prize and ascertaining goddess-empress who could either save or destroy a life with one sweet, sweet word.

"How do you love me now?"

And I think it’s stupid.

First reason: I find this traditional scenario off-putting.

It objectifies women obviously as a prize to win. A conquest. A trophy. Not a living being with feelings. Docile type girls will let themselves be owned by the emerging victor. Some don’t even actually like the guys who “won” – they just happened to score straight 10’s in their usually society-imposed scoring system: sweet, expertly chosen words; impeccable image; thoughtful timing; expensive gifts. So the girls are basically just settling.

"Just take me out of here, pls."

It also provides girls with an unhealthy image schema: that they are angels, close to the divine. It turns them into princessita bitches who think that they’re so special and that the world revolves around them. This is terrible for men with self-esteem issues, or those that are naturally meek. The traditional scenario may poison their minds into thinking that their sweet little angel can do no wrong, blinding them from the bitch’s total obnoxiousness, and might make them sacrifice their personal happiness for the girl’s whims and shit.

"Your groveling pleases me. Tell me again how my existence sustains your life force."

Kid, a relationship should be based on mutual respect, among other things. It’s not respect if a party is deifying the other.

Second reason: It encourages laziness and insensitivity on the girl’s part.

Related to the first reason. The “princess” gets so spoiled by her adoring suitors that by the time she picks a winner, she has been so accustomed to being treated like a fragile flower + dictator. And that’s just terrible. Over time, her demands will wear on the poor boy – who, despite his efforts, would constantly feel like he’s not good enough or not doing enough.

"Lol. Nope."

Kid, a relationship should be based on mutual respect, among other things. It’s not respect if a party is treating the other like a servant or a cat toy.

“Boys should always message me first. And he should keep the conversation interesting”. – Said the girl who only gives one, two-word replies.

“He said he wanted me to bake him cookies. What am I, his personal cook?” – Said the girl who made a guy move furniture, fix her car, and paint her house’s fences.

“He gave me a necklace. But I wanted a ring! If he really liked/loved me, he’d know that.” – Said the girl who never even gave a hint about what she wanted to get for her birthday. Note: Guys aren’t mind readers.

Third reason: I don’t and can’t believe in basing a relationship from acts that were basically designed for show.

There is something decidedly deceptive about the best foot forward thing. I mean, what about the other foot? You HAVE to know about both feet.

"Everybody's got a dark siiiiiiiiide / Do you love meeee? / Will you love miiiiiiiiiine?"

Someone projects an idealized image, and it will be inevitable that they’d eventually fail to live up to it – causing disappointment in their sweethearts and the given “YOU WEREN’T WHO I THOUGHT YOU WERE *SOB SOB*” line that comes with it.

Girl: You used to be so sweet. What happened?

Guy’s mind: It’s called war tactics, honey.

OOOH LAWDY. And, of course, the silver-tongued promises.

Guy: If you agree to become my girl, I’d marry you in every church once we’re of legal age.

Girl: LOL (kilig)

"Ehr mai gehrd~ <3"

Fourth reason: It causes self-worth issues.

There is no actual merit in the emotional free-for-all gladiator game struck out by lads, as well as the scores from a girl’s dubious point system.

The other guy talks more smoothly than you. The other guy can afford to take her out to some fancy restaurant. The other guy is more handsome. The other guy has a knack for orchestrating thoughtful surprises. The other guy lucked out and was the one chosen by the girl. SO WHAT? Just coz he scored straight 10’s in the lady’s score board doesn’t make him a better guy than you in real life. That doesn't make you a loser. Boy, don’t ever let a girl tell you you’re not good enough.

Same goes for you girls, don’t let anyone tell you or make you feel like you’re not worth it. Your number of suitors don't determine your value as a woman.

Aww. Thank you, puppy. It's "you're", but you're just a dog so it's okay.

BUT RAGEMOTHER, IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE IN COURTSHIP…WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE IN? COURTSHIP WAS DESIGNED AS A WAY TO SELECT PARTNERS (but I bet you already know that). ARE YOU SUGGESTING WE JUST BYPASS THAT ALTOGETHER? THAT DOESN'T SOUND HEALTHY AT ALL.

I believe in the power of friendship and casual encounters (I don’t exactly mean “that” kind of casual encounter, though it COULD include that. I mean like, how the two of you interact in real life situations. Totally non-romantic conditions like…say, talking at a common friend’s party or accidentally seeing each other in the supermarket. I personally find it to be a very accurate method to gauge compatibility). Anyway, I’m not suggesting anything to anyone – I am merely laying out an opinion of mine with a peppering of advice also based from personal opinions. It’s cool if you don’t share the same perspective. He're Lady Gaga eating a sandwich.

Adventures from my Third-World, Lower Middle-Class Life

Every. Fucking. Time. Pati ata topload and sabit gusto sagadin. Kulang na lang may mag ala-hood ornament.